Letting Go.

Last week at a scan I was told that the baby I was carrying had stopped developing and that no heartbeat was detected. It's strange but I can't say I was surprised when the technician, a very sweet lady called Louise, told me, I think I had already known something was wrong. The fact that I could suddenly eat chocolate again had made me suspicious, whereas just a week earlier the sniff of a bar of chocolate was enough to make my stomach turn over and lurch.

By dates I was 10 weeks pregnant but by the size of the baby only 6weeks, so there was obviously something not working properly.

I have a couple of blood conditions Lupus Anticoagulant Positive and Antiphospholipids which mean that my blood is too thick and prone to clotting, which probably doesn't sound so bad when you hear the usual term for it "sticky blood", sounds kind of cute doesn't it, sticky blood... but what it means in reality is that my blood doesn't travel properly and develops micro clots which make me miscarry.

This pregnancy was my 14th miscarriage, 14? What a ridiculous number... how crazy am I to keep doing this to myself? Perhaps I am an advertisement for the word...persistance...

We just want to have a child together, you think it would be a simple issue of two people getting together, getting the timing right and bobs your uncle, but sometimes it's just not that simple.

Sometimes I want to scream at the unfairness of this... I had given up, this pregnancy was a bit of a surprise, when we moved house I had given up on the idea already, new house, new start but my husband thought a little differently. He proved there is an App for everything including getting your wife pregnant as he used ipod to track my cycle, sneaky little devil. Now if only he can find an app that will keep me pregnant we could be laughing....which would be hugely preferable to the crying we are doing at the moment.

You probably are wondering how I can find any humour in this situation... and to answer you honestly, I don't know, all I do know is if I cry anymore my eyes will fall out of my head and I might actually lose my mind. If I don't find a way to smile or some form of humour I may not hold on to my sanity and I need that, I really need to keep it together.

The sadness we feel is so deep and so all consuming you do feel like there is no way out of it and if my husband and I weren't so close and such strong support for each other I think we might struggle even more with the sadness than we are.

Strangely whilst I had given up on having a baby, losing this one has somehow reignited my desire to try again. Perhaps the difference in care and the support I have received here in Wellingborough has something to do with that.

I do feel angry, I see the stories in the papers about the children hurt by parents who didn't deserve them and I look at us, good loving people and reponsible parents, my sons are testament to the kind of parents we are and could be again and I rail at the powers on high at how cruel and unfair they are.

All I do know is that I am not a quitter, yes the daily injections and the tablets and the scans are uncomfortable and unpleasant and the miscarriages are devestating, painful both emotionally and physically but the end result, a baby of our own, made from the two of us has got to be worth the price.

Information about Lupus Anticoagulant Positive and Antiphospholipids can be found on Google but a useful starting point is the Hughes Syndrome website. Hughes Syndrome is much more widespread than currently known and most GP's are not even aware of it's existence of how easily it can be tested for and treatment is very simple and can be very effective. If you are a victim of recurrent miscarriage or know someone who is, get tested. http://www.hughes-syndrome.org