Who Said Life Was Fair???

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for about 5 years,  it's weird but until we got married I thought my "baby making" days were long past me, with two boys hitting their teens I really did think I'd done my bit for the continuation of the species and I was done with all that.   But getting together with Pie and seeing what a great stepfather he was and how much he missed his own children it reignited in me the desire to go through the hellish experience that is pregnancy.

I knew it wasn't going to be easy, pregnancy never is for me, but I did think it was possible and I thought it would be worth it.  But I didn't think it was going to be this hard.  When we started trying I thought we had lots of time but it's amazing how fast that time slips away from you and suddenly you are 5 years down the line and it's pretty much too late.

After seeing Mr Shehata in April and discovering that my problem with getting a pregnancy to stick was killer cells I was prescribed steroids to surpress the killer cells, aspirin to keep my blood thin and high doses of vitamins.  I came away from that appointment feeling so positive,  at last there was an answer and a possibility of having a baby.  I'd been getting pregnant regularly so I didn't doubt that we could do it again.

But here we are, the year is coming to a close and we still aren't successfully pregnant and it appears that the very drugs that were meant to help me stay pregnant may have ended my chances of getting pregnant at all.   Since I started taking the steroids I had noticed that my cycle had changed radically,  I had gone from a strict 26 day cycle to a 35 day cycle and then experiencing mid cycle bleeding as well. Using ovulation sticks every day it also appears that I am no longer ovulating, the first month I thought ok maybe I screwed up the tests and I missed the day but after 2 solids cycles of testing I know I didn't miss it, it just isn't happening.

So how do I feel? I can't honestly say yet,  I don't think it's actually sunk in quite yet, the part of me that should feel sad is so numb at the moment it isn't feeling anything, but part of me feels guilty for feeling relieved, I haven't had to make this decision myself my body has done it for me, my body has quit on me!  

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The Power of Words

Over the last two weeks I have been recuperating from our sad loss, it's not easy being upbeat, although you do have to try, children don't always understand loss and sadness, they generally haven't had to experience it and why should they, they're children and shouldn't have to face these things until they're all grown up, the flush of youth is gone and they discover how truly shitty life can be. Let's not rush them into that one eh!

So I have been having to hide just how sad I feel from my sons mostly because I can see how sad my sadness makes them. I can see how worried they are about me and it was brought home to me just how scared these miscarriages make them when my 14 year old said, "you won't be doing that again will you mum". I thought he meant the miscarriage bit, but he was actually talking about trying to get pregnant again! It's one thing when Conor says it, being dyspraxic I kind of expect him to come out with things like that. But when my older son Daniel said something similar I realised just how frightened they are and how much they understand about the process I go through.

I couldn't really explain to Conor why it was so important to me to try again, he just doesn't understand but I gently pointed out to Daniel that if I hadn't kept trying the five times before he stuck, he wouldn't be here and how empty and sad would my life have been then? I think he "got it" but who knows, the workings of the teenage boys brain are a mystery to me. I often look up, ignoring the loud cracking in my neck and wonder how this beautiful 6ft 5in creature ever came out of me and then being ever so grateful that I inherited my fathers stubborn streak and kept on plugging away trying to have a baby.

I have managed to secure my health insurance companies support to go and see Dr Shehata at the Miscarriage Clinic in the hopes that he will be able to find out why my pregnancies are ending the way they are. He seems to behaving some success with women who have recurrent miscarriage. I am hoping to have a test for Natural Killer Cells which could be the reason I am having such trouble.

I wonder if I am crazy to hope that they are...? If they are then there is a reason for this to be happening to me and also a treatment, both of which would be a good thing, a step forwards instead of the 10 steps backwards I constantly seem to be taking.

The worst part is not knowing... not knowing means you can't make decisions. Not knowing means you run around in stupid circles blaming yourself for some imaginary thing you think you did to cause the miscarriage, cursing your body for failing you or just feeling an utter failure for not being able to do something so natural, something every woman's body is designed to do.

So roll on April, I am not looking forward to the trek into London, I hate going into London but small price to pay for an answer.