Nathan's Day

I hate September, it's a bit childish to hate a month, but I dread it and every year right on cue it comes round and there is no escaping it or the welling of painful memories and emotions that inevitably come along with it.  Today is the day when our dream of having a child together officially ended. Today was the day that Nathan came into and went out of our lives... Can you say was born? Does someone who never had any chance of survival count as being born?

I ask myself why his loss, one out of so many, should be the one that hurts so much and why so many years later this day should still hold so much pain? Maybe it's because his loss really was the end of our road, even if we didn't allow ourselves to believe it, or rather I didn't want to believe it, but it was, the infection after losing Nathan really did put paid to any further attempts, I just couldn't accept that then.

Maybe it's because he was the only one I thought was going to make it, when you get to the magical 12 weeks you start to think 'yes! We're ok! Danger zone past!'  By 16 weeks you're telling people and beginning to plan and becoming attached to the little person in there, so the blow is all the harder to take when it comes.

I hadn't really let myself get attached with the others, more so after Nathan, by then I had realised there was no 'out of the woods' point in a pregnancy for me, it was always going to be an exercise in terror and I should accept it, but with Nathan I was already enraptured, he had a name, I knew he was a 'he' and we already had that connection, that bond, that love. Or at least I did, who knows what he felt.

Maybe in Nathan how I feel is accumulation of emotion surrounding all the miscarriages, maybe it's the tangible experience I had, perhaps this grief is for all of them, just he is the one with a name, he is the one that I wasn't alone for. He is the one we got to sit and hold and cry together over.

The last few weeks have been difficult for me, its not that the ache of loss ever goes away, it doesn't, but most of the time I absolutely refuse to let it rule me. I don't want to be defined by the losses, the pain or the sadness. But once a year I let myself feel it because if I don't I feel that the depth of these emotions will drown me and I couldn't fight my way back again.  Like a release valve on a pressure cooker. 

I was feeling so low last week I took myself off to the cinema alone,  I purposely picked what I thought would be a sad movie, Anna Karenina, I thought I can sit under the cover of darkness and cry and no one will question it. Didn't work,  film was not very good, I shed no tears, no release was had but I did cry all the way home in the car listening to sad songs.  So thats a lesson for me... Just sit in the car next year and listen to Tracy Chapman.

So today is Nathan's Day, today is the day I grieve and mourn the dream that never was and tomorrow I will dry my eyes, lock away the pain and get on with the business of living... Until next year.

A Little Bit of Cakey Goodness to share

Who knew running a cake stand could be so exhausting!!!  I went to help my friend Cathy woman her stand at the Whittlesey Festival (great day out by the way, loads to see and do!).  Sounded a simple enough endeavour.... cakes after all aren't all that heavy are they?

So we arrive and set about setting up the stand, we gather tables and chairs from Cathy's office and put up the canopy (genius piece of kit I must say!) and we lay out the cakes as attractively as we can and they did look pretty marvellous and mouth watering. 

And we stood back and waited for the hoards to arrive and arrive they did.  During the day there was a steady stream of people picking up their delicious Pattiecakes treats.  

It was only at the end of the day we really could see how much we had sold because all day long we were refilling the trays and displays from cunningly hidden boxes filled with more cakey goodness. 

It wasn't all completely plain sailing however, quite a few lessons were learned during the course of the day... most importantly that weights for the base of the canopy were important accessories to have as when there was a massive gust of wind the thing almost blew away and we had to pounce on the legs to keep the thing from blowing over.

We also discovered that the sun is not always your friend... we had to scuttle around changing the side panels on the canopy to keep the sunlight off the cakes... chocolate toppings don't react well to sunshine, however even when they started to melt the chocolate ones sold out faster than any other!

I had a fantastic day helping Cathy but I will admit to being completely shattered by the time I got home carrying my box of left over goodies... believe it or not I only got 1 out of the whole box, the rest were snarfed down in good order by teenage boys.  but glowing praise from them... Conor says that Cathy's cakes are "amazeballs"  some new teenage terminology that means great apparently.

Cathy does take commissions on cakes of all types, so if you have a special event and need a fabby cake her website is http://www.pattiecakes.co.uk/

 

Guilty Pleasure

My youngest son is Dyspraxic and has ADHD, he was diagnosed at 9, but I always knew there was something... I won't say 'wrong' with him because I don't think of it as an illness or a defiency it's just part of his makeup and makes him who he is.  Intelligent, funny, sarcastic, persnickety, ultra logical and painfully honest.  But I also won't say it is easy to live with either, hence the guilty pleasure title of the post... I feel guilty that I am happy that he has gone to his fathers for a few days, after an entire summer holiday of Conor I need a break from him, whilst he is all the positive things I said he is also irritating, argumentative, blunt to the point of rudeness and totally oblivious to anyone's feelings but his own.

I guess I always knew there was something different about him from when he was really small, it was little things, rapt attention to a task to the point of obsession sometimes, but I got that, I was like that myself so I understood it.  It was later, at school that his issues really came to the foreground, constant arguments with a specific teacher after which I would be called in and complained to about his behaviour.  Apparently him pointing out that she was incompetant was inappropriate (even if it was true...she got fired by the end of the term). I did try pointng out that she should be impressed that not only did a 7 year old know in what context to use the word 'incompetant' (secretly I was well chuffed) but he could also spell it correctly... Now that is impressive you have to concede!

A period of 2 years of constantly complaining from the school about Conor's "rudeness" and for rudeness I would substitute "excessive bluntness" my son calls a spade a spade,  if you're ugly he would happily tell you, my dearest friend Suzi will testify to this, not the ugly part, she isn't,  but Conor christened her cabbage and it's stuck.  This was a very difficult time, as a single parent I was endeavouring to date and had many a man seen off by Conor baring his arse at the poor chap.  I think in his mind it was some sort of test to see if they would stick around.... If you can bear the sight of my arse you're alright with me! Kind of thing....   Not many men managed to stick it out I have to say.

But the most difficult side effect of Conor's behaviour was my mental health.  I couldn't work out where I was going wrong? At his fathers he was a model child, at home he was hell on legs,  he seemed to enjoy tormenting me, many was the day I locked myself into my bedroom with him battering on the door demanding entry whilst I sat on the inside crying bitter tears wondering what was I doing wrong. 

The day came when then school insisted he go to the child and adolescent mental health dept for assessment and I will be forever grateful for that insistance... After tests suddenly there was a reason... I wasn't a shit parent with an out of control 'naughty' child.  I was the parent of a Dyspraxic child and all of a sudden the lights came on.  

Treatment for the ADHD was offered and administered and things did get better, obviously Dyspraxia is not a condition that has a pharmaceutical solution but there are coping mechanisms and behavioural therapies that help and we use them.  

We haven't, however, managed to find a way of stopping Conor taking great pleasure in tormenting me, trust me 4 hours of being poked in the arm repeatedly by a knittng needle would be enough to send a saint into a screaming fit... I am no saint trust me... I scream!

But i have learned to see the behaviour as in some ways flattering, he torments me because he feels safe, I'm the one person he feels safe enough tormenting that he feels won't go anywhere, I'll put up with it and him because he is my son and I love him.

Doesn't mean I won't lose the plot and throw a shoe at him though... Like I said... I am no saint.

So here is to my days off from Conor... my holiday so to speak and when he comes home and asks did you miss me? I will be as forthright as he and say "no!"

I went away a Mother and returned a GODmother

Now that my husband and I have stopped trying to have a baby of our own lots of other questions have come in to play... What about adoption? Fostering?  Could I feel the depth of feelings for a child that was not my own? I shouldn't be asking these questions really as I already have stepchildren in my life but adoption is different, all my stepchildren I have a connection with, the other parent so you do know something of where they come from but with an adopted child you probably wouldn't know anything.

 

Summer Olivia and her Mummy Samantha

Recently a dear friend gave me the highest honour I can think of by asking me to be godmother to her child,  I didn't have a single moment of hesitation, it's funny but throughout her pregnancy this friend had had a horrible time, being there for her was by turns a heartbreaking experience and sometimes frightening and sometimes I just felt angry for her with the things she was having to go through. So little Summer Olivia was already named "Tough Cookie" before she even arrived, such was her determination to survive. 

 

But the moment I got to hold Summer for the first time I just felt it, that overwhelming rush of love, that desire to protect and care for... there were no doubts, no questions, just love. 

I enjoyed every moment of my visit to Sam and Summer, even the poopy nappies, the baby sick and the crying and I can't wait to go back and spend more time with my friend and my gorgeous goddaughter. 

But the one question the visit did answer for me was that yes. I could love a child that was not my own. That just opens up a whole new parcel of questions though?  Would I be prepared to give up some of my hobbies?  Where would we put another child? Could we even afford it?  We're on the verge of being able to go on holiday as a couple, could I forego that?

But then, thinking about it, not going there would mean more free time to zip up motorways unencumbered to spend time with Sam and Summer.

Malta - Bus Tour

We hopped aboard a Citysightseeing tour bus, this was a bit of an adventure for me, as I have never had the opportunity to travel much, this was a chance for a bit of time with my husband to do the "touristy" bit in between his many conference obligations.  The offer of a Harbour Cruise on the Captain Morgan boat was enough of a temptation to overcome his initial reluctance. So we booked up to go on a 90 minute bus tour called the Violet Tour with an immediately following hour long boat ride.  What fun!

I must point out that this was a close as we got to going on the Harbour Cruise as you will find out, I took this photo before we left on the bus tour whilst we were waiting for our bus to arrive.   We hopped on the Hop On Hop Off Bus and we set off, the sun was gorgeous and the open topped bus was just the perfect vehicle to let you take photos as you pootled about the main towns of Malta.

However, things went wrong about half way round our tour when the sound system of the bus was reported to the driver as not being working, so we were very quickly transferred onto another bus, except the bus we were transferred to wasn't doing the Violet Tour but the much much Blue Tour so instead of 90 minutes on the bus it was 3 hours on the bus!  Not what was intended but on the bright side we saw a lot more of Malta and got lots of great photos.  No Harbour Tour though, so when and yes I did say when we come back to Malta that's got to be on the list along with the Craft Village which was unfortunately shut it being a Sunday. 

These are some of the photos (only some, I took hundreds) from the tour.

Love the mix of old and modern architecture in Malta

Ultra Modern Conference Venue

As an island Malta is actually really small with only a small population of 400,000 (ish), but the history of the island is fascinating as it has been of strategic importance to so many difference conquering nations and each conqueror has left a piece of their culture behind especially in the impressive churches and fortifications.

A lot of central Malta is dedicated to farmland and growing the fruits and vegetables that we have enjoyed during our trip.  In particular the peaches and strawberries here are just divine.

Love the amazing scaffolding

Angry Birds in real life

Welcome to Malta

I'm not a great traveller, never really had the funds or the time to go anywhere really, so getting the chance to tag along with my husband on the odd work trip is always a treat.  This trip is to Malta, never been here before and I genuinely can't say what I was expecting. So the island and its people has been a really pleasant surprise.

The first thing I have noticed about Malta is the level of construction going on, it's everywhere, right around the airport complex and along the coastline is just a forest of cranes and half made buildings.  Malta is obviously undergoing some major investment.

We are staying at the Hilton Malta, it's a gorgeous building, very new and fresh, with wonderful architectural lines build along a natural harbour. 

Each room or suite features its own terrace. ours is big enough to hold a party on... although not planning that.  Considering this is a techie geek conference I have tagged along to I can't see any of them going for it.   Anyone know what a collection of Geeks is referred to as?  Is it a Byte?  A boredom of Geeks.  Oh I like that one... a boredom of geeks. Wonder how I can get that coined and turned into a proper verbal reference.

Anyway back to the bits I am loving about this trip, obviously the boredom of geeks isn't a big player in the list. 

This chap is one of a pair that sit outside the entrance of the Hilton Malta,  I love them, I think they have real character and I have named them Laurel and Hardy... this one is Laurel.

Hilton Malta Entrance

Not had a single bed since I was about 9 so this has been different and definitely haven't been in a single bed since I got married.  But having said that there is something to be said to not being stuck to someone else all night long.   The room is lovely, clean, bright, airy and pretty much everything you could want with a fabulous en-suite bathroom, but really what you expect from a Hilton.  But not entirely sure why we have duvets, it's 78 degrees here and even at night it hasn't gotten cold.  

And finally for this post... the view from the balcony,  this was after 6pm when we arrived... can it get any better than looking out at that!

Time to Build an Ark Perchance?

It's raining.... bet you didn't know that... it's like totally unheard of isn't it... rain in England! OMG!

I keep hearing people saying things like "How can we be in a drought when it hasn't stopped raining for a month?"  or "How can there be a a hosepipe ban when it's raining?"

I guess the truth is a lot of people don't understand things like water tables and saturation points.  OMG!!! Something actually did soak into my brain during those endlessly tedious geography lessons, my old teacher would be so proud. 

Anyway the lovely hubby and myself went out for a drive around our town "flood watching" in between downpours, it was obviously quite late and getting dark by the time we got out but I thought you never know so I took my camera and am I ever glad I did.  I snapped this picture of a mill (pure fluke and a good camera can do wonders). 

I love the way it almost looks as though it is floating on the water.  My hubby would be terrified living in that house, he as a mortal fear of flooding. 

I can see further trips flood watching... it was good fun, strangely!

Musings on a Feline

We have three cats in our house, Specs, Sooty and Ebony. There are no prizes for guessing what colour Sooty and Ebony are! All three are related, Specs and Sooty are siblings and Ebony is Specs daughter, father unknown as is often the way with cats, specially the slutty kind. All three cats have very different personalities, which leads to a definate pecking order. 

Specs thinks she is human and definitely looks down the other two, she bullies Sooty and absolutely hates Ebony hissing and spitting at her every chance she gets but she absolutely adores Daniel, my oldest son, he is HER human, his room is her domain and she constantly presents him with her trophy kills. I come a lowly second with Specs but that is only if Daniel is away or if she wants to get in his room and the door is shut.... See I know my place in this relationship, the affection she shows me is entirely a bribe to make me do what she wants. 

Sooty, or fatboy, as he is more usually known, is a laid back sort of chap, constantly on the mooch for food, loving human company, but usually from a distance, tolerating the odd cuddle, but only because he understands there has to be a payback for titbits and treats. He is the one with the loudest most persistant voice but the gentlest nature and is utterly thick, bullied by both the female cats, you give him a treat and he will sit there looking at it whilst one of the other two steals it...and then looks up at you as if to say "what happened there?" And then there is Ebony, the most angry, frightened cat on the planet and we have no idea why... Could be Specs constant abuse has made her skittish but she takes her anger out on Pie and myself, we can't even pass her in the hallway without her hissing and running for cover. 

You can see the hate...

The only person she seems to relax around is Conor. You can tell when the weather is bad because Ebony is indoors, she only comes in if the weather is bad or for food. Having said that, if you can calm her down she quite enjoys a stroke but you kind of don't bother as she is just hard work and even after stroking her for 10 minutes and even getting her to purr she will turn around and hiss at you if you twitch the wrong way. 

Whilst I can't imagine the house without them...actually thinking about it, no one using the furniture as a scratching post, no endless carpet of fur from Sooty yanking his out (weirdo) and no one hissing and spitting at me... hmmmm I may have to re-evaluate that statement... Nope even with all that, can't really imagine the house without them but I am grateful that none of them loves me enough to leave a headless mouse on my pillow.

Bunratty Castle

We popped along to Bunratty Castle in County Clare during our weeks holiday visit to my in-laws. The castle is inside a heritage site which includes a folk park of historial buildings like a fishermans cottage, a peat cutters cottage, an old school building, a recreation of a whole street of shops. 

Bunratty Castle itself is an amazing building,  there has been dwellings on the site since 970 but the first defensive building was built in 1270, since then there had always been a castle of some sort on the site.   The present castle was built in 1425 and was occupied  pretty consistently until 1804 when the building was left and fell into disrepair. 

In 1954 the Castle was bought and restored to its present condition by the 7th Viscount Gort and his wife.   Having walked around the place I doubt that they restored it to live in as it didn't seem particularly cmfortable a place to live. 

Plaque commemorating the restoration by Viscount Gort

The Castle itself was very very busy, it's obviously a very popular tourist destination as I was hearing lots of accents and languages from the people walking around. 

Highly recommended as a place to visit but be warned the whole park is quite big,  we didn't manage to see it all as with a 5 year old with us it got quite tiring and both he and I were pretty shattered by the time we had done the castle and the village. I think we will be going back again during another visit to see all the bits we missed out. 

There's plenty of information available about the castle, the folk park, opening times etc on the Shannon Heritage website 

Tapestry inside the main Hall of the Castle

Inside a cottage recreation

All of the buildings in the Folk park have been brought to Bunratty stone by stone and rebuilt from sites all over Ireland including one from Shannon Airport when a runway was being put in.  It's a fascinating look at how people lived.  I wouldn't have made a very good early Irishwoman that's for sure... the peat fire really irritated my eyes.

But I was really impressed by the level of detail put in to recreating the cottages, including photographs, chinaware and all the paraphanalia of family life.

This statue was hidden away in some trees and hedges mostly unnoticed but it caught my attention.

Couples Photo Shoot

Reilly Studios, Leicester

Being part of a couple it's always surprisingly difficult to get pictures of yourselves together. There is always one of you behind the camera, it's a bit like that advert about mums and how you're always the pair of feet or the hand in a photo, there but never really there and as I am a keen photographer myself I am rarely in the photos myself. The only photos we have of "us" were taken at our wedding and even those were just snaps taken by the guests.  

So when dear hubby suggested a couples photo session I was in two minds about the whole idea... a) I hate myself in photos,  I never feel particularly attractive and b) someone else being in command of the camera... oh I don't think so!

We went to Reilly Studios in Leicester,  a little bit of a trek from us but still... a day out does no harm does it? Quite an unimposing building I thought until I walked inside, it might look dull from the outside but inside it was all rather glamorous, which gave me a sense of confidence.  

The staff were lovely, friendly, chatty and they made it a fun experience.   We took along three changes of clothes so we got the chance to change so that the photos had a variety of poses and outfits.  Our photographer was very encouraging and funny, he made us laugh and put us at our ease. 

All in all I am incredibly pleased with the photographs we came away with,  they were flattering and if I ever get around to writing that book I promised myself at least I have a photo to put on the back cover. 

I highly recommend Reilly Studios as a photo studio, a great day out and good value for money.

Contact Details for Reilly Studios are

Reilly Studios

Wesley House

Stockwell Head

Hinckley

Leicestershire

LE10 1RD

Telephone: 01455 610782

Website: www.reillystudios.co.uk

Time

Time is a very funny thing, it's a difficult concept to actually wrap one's head around,  at some points it creeps and crawls like when your child is a baby and they are teething and won't sleep for nights on end and whinge and cry all the time, time seems to mooch along at a snail's pace dragging it's feet as you beg for it to hurry up and for that period of time to be over.... please please please when will this end arrrgh.

And then other times time rushes past with the speed of light, so fast you never feel like you are catching up and that it's all getting away from you. 

Motherhood seems to be based so much on time, the passage of it, the squandering of it, the need for more of it...

And then one day you're stunned to find it's all gone by too fast and standing in front of you is the young man that once upon a time was your little baby.

Yesterday I felt that moment upon me,  my son reached his 18th birthday.  All the drama and joys and the tears that were shed over the years reached up and tapped me on the shoulder and I felt that pang... it's all gone by too fast.  My baby is a young man, ready to start his own struggle with time.

From Blog That!

Army Rations

I am a massive fan of one pot dinners.  Having teenage boys means needing to provide hearty and when I say hearty I mean hearty meals, they eat like it is going out of fashion!  And teenage boy cannot live on cereal alone, although they would certainly like to try... and do seem to be trying to prove that they can.

One of my favourite one pot meals is what we call Army Rations,  it's not particularly glamorous to look at but it's very tasty and filling and you can make lots of it for quite a low price tag.... got to be a good thing in this economy.

You will need:

500g Minced Beef
1 Large Onion or 2 small ones

1 Beef Oxo Cube

1/2 pint of Beef gravy

1/2 bag of 1kg Mixed Frozen Veg

Seasoning

Use a deep frying pan or a large pot for this, it starts off looking small but volume will increase hugely so you need the extra cooking space. 

Chop your onion and fry it to soften it in a touch of olive or vegetable oil and once the onion is soft and golden add the minced beef to brown it.   Add your oxo cube and stir.  

Once the beef is browned, add your seasoning,  a little salt, lots of ground pepper and I like to chuck in a couple of slugs of Worcestershire Sauce. You could also pop in some ground chilli if you like a bit of heat in your food.   Now put in half a bag of mixed frozen veg,  brand is unimportant, pick what you personally like, my personal favourite is the farmhouse style with broccoli and cauliflower in it. 

Stir the veg in and add your 1/2 pint of gravy, turn the heat down low pop a lid on and let it simmer away for 20 minutes. if you find you want more gravy you can always add more just before serving.

 

You can have this on its own or with lots of crusty bread or you can serve it with rice and my boys particular favourite with pasta.

Soft Play Purgatory

Recently I had my first re-experience (hmmmm is that a real word???) of soft play, you know,  those indoor playgrounds that are full of climbing frames, ball pits and slides etc. Oh good god the torture of it.  My boys are 17 and 14 so it's a very very long time since I have set foot over the treshold of one of these places and I had forgotten totally what they were like. The first thing that hit me was steam, I mean I know it was raining outside (really heavily... in fact I was at that point considering googling plans on ark creation) so I guess an element of the steam might be kids and parents coming into this hell hole slightly damp but I think also that the steam might have just been the sweat off the kids and the constant CO2 created by their open mouths as they screamed.

And scream they did!!!

We were there because my stepchildren were down visiting us during the school holidays and at 7 and 4 they are a lot younger than my boys so I am having to re-learn how to entertain small people again... not easy I can tell you, but probably good practice if we ever do achieve our aim of having a baby.

The second thing that struck me was the wall of noise.  I am wondering is tolerance of softplay venues, parks etc something you get an immunity to?  I ean when my boys were small I remember taking them to these softplay places and sitting quite happily with a book whilst they ran themselves into exhaustion and the noise never bothered me, yet here I am a few years later and it was like being locked into a room with 100 howler monkeys all screaming at the top of their lungs and it was absolutely excrutiating.  I looked around and there were all these other mums sitting quite happily chatting with each other and yet I could not even hear myself think!!!

I ended up digging into the bottom of my handbag and fortunately found some earplugs which I gratefully shoved into my ears... trust me you could still hear the screaming and shouting... and crying as little Johnny bashed some other kid or vice versa... it was just now at a reasonable dull roar.

I did have a genius thought though if the armed forces ever decide they need new methods to extract information from detainees they could always tie them to a chair and stick them in the middle of the ball pit and just let the kids have fun throwing those plastic balls at them and let the detainees endure a few hours of 100 howler monkeys... oops I mean darling children... a few hours of that and they will be begging to tell what they know.

Let It Snow, Let it Snow, Let It Snow!

I may be singing that right now but in a few days if it continues to be this cold no doubt I will be a lot less keen on snow. but for a first snow in a new home it is kind of exciting.

When we went to bed on Thursday night it was cold but clear but overnight it snowed quite heavily and we woke up to a thick blanket of pristine snow.

As our road is a bit of a deadend so there is no chance of a gritter coming down here the road has become a bit of a skating rink.

Something tells me we won't be in a huge rush to go out and fight our way up the icy road.

But we are very fortunate to have a lot of open land right next to the house and I really enjoyed taking a little walk with my camera to take some pictures of the views. I could hear lots of laughter from somewhere over the hill but it was too cold to go investigating. The sky does still look like it has more snow to let out in these pictures.

I saw some people heading off onto the snowy fields with their dogs. I did consider taking the cats for a walk but it was just a fleeting thought, I can't see any of our moggies actually taking too well to being put on a lead. Although it might be worth a laugh giving it a go... watch this space on that one.


This picture if of a dandelion that is still hanging in there trying to survive in the snow. You can even see the petals still hiding.

If the snow lasts a few days I think I will have to take some more walks and see if I can find some more subjects to photograph.

Having looked at the weather forecast although we are likely to keep the very cold weather there is no more snow expected... I bet the kids are hoping the snow hangs around to make it a white Christmas.

The funniest bit of the day was us discovering that Benjie is able to climb under the side gate... although we only found that out when we went to bring him in from his run around the garden only to discover that he wasn't in the back garden and was lolopping around the drive in the front of the house.

We were almost minus one house bunny!