Dream Office - Part Two

I keep calling this an office but it's not really, it's not what will be happening in this space, it's going to be an art room really and a spare bedroom when we have guests, the plan is to put a sofabed in there but mainly it's going to be my sanctuary, why is it when I say the word sanctuary I hear bells in my head... in a cartoony voice?

The walls in the room have been insulated and plasterboarded and the electrics have been run, these will provide the sockets for all my sewing machines and my heat gun in a few days time and the window went in a week ago. Obviously we had our own personal drama going on but the work continued and Danny the builder has been brilliant. Now the window is in the room is incredibly warm even with no heating in there... Mick the gentleman from The Garage Conversion Company, had told us that it would be warm, but boy was he ever not kidding!

The day I saw the window go in was a really good day for me, even in the midst of feeling crappy and sad this was a highlight, knowing we were a step closer to me having my dream space.

From the outside of the house you can see a slight difference in the brickwork but it's so slight and the bricks are so similar to the original brickwork of the house I can already tell that within a very short space of time the bricks will weather in and it will be very hard to tell that the house wasn't built with this extra room already in place the company has been so careful to colour match the bricks and matching the window pattern.

The Power of Words

Over the last two weeks I have been recuperating from our sad loss, it's not easy being upbeat, although you do have to try, children don't always understand loss and sadness, they generally haven't had to experience it and why should they, they're children and shouldn't have to face these things until they're all grown up, the flush of youth is gone and they discover how truly shitty life can be. Let's not rush them into that one eh!

So I have been having to hide just how sad I feel from my sons mostly because I can see how sad my sadness makes them. I can see how worried they are about me and it was brought home to me just how scared these miscarriages make them when my 14 year old said, "you won't be doing that again will you mum". I thought he meant the miscarriage bit, but he was actually talking about trying to get pregnant again! It's one thing when Conor says it, being dyspraxic I kind of expect him to come out with things like that. But when my older son Daniel said something similar I realised just how frightened they are and how much they understand about the process I go through.

I couldn't really explain to Conor why it was so important to me to try again, he just doesn't understand but I gently pointed out to Daniel that if I hadn't kept trying the five times before he stuck, he wouldn't be here and how empty and sad would my life have been then? I think he "got it" but who knows, the workings of the teenage boys brain are a mystery to me. I often look up, ignoring the loud cracking in my neck and wonder how this beautiful 6ft 5in creature ever came out of me and then being ever so grateful that I inherited my fathers stubborn streak and kept on plugging away trying to have a baby.

I have managed to secure my health insurance companies support to go and see Dr Shehata at the Miscarriage Clinic in the hopes that he will be able to find out why my pregnancies are ending the way they are. He seems to behaving some success with women who have recurrent miscarriage. I am hoping to have a test for Natural Killer Cells which could be the reason I am having such trouble.

I wonder if I am crazy to hope that they are...? If they are then there is a reason for this to be happening to me and also a treatment, both of which would be a good thing, a step forwards instead of the 10 steps backwards I constantly seem to be taking.

The worst part is not knowing... not knowing means you can't make decisions. Not knowing means you run around in stupid circles blaming yourself for some imaginary thing you think you did to cause the miscarriage, cursing your body for failing you or just feeling an utter failure for not being able to do something so natural, something every woman's body is designed to do.

So roll on April, I am not looking forward to the trek into London, I hate going into London but small price to pay for an answer.

Letting Go.

Last week at a scan I was told that the baby I was carrying had stopped developing and that no heartbeat was detected. It's strange but I can't say I was surprised when the technician, a very sweet lady called Louise, told me, I think I had already known something was wrong. The fact that I could suddenly eat chocolate again had made me suspicious, whereas just a week earlier the sniff of a bar of chocolate was enough to make my stomach turn over and lurch.

By dates I was 10 weeks pregnant but by the size of the baby only 6weeks, so there was obviously something not working properly.

I have a couple of blood conditions Lupus Anticoagulant Positive and Antiphospholipids which mean that my blood is too thick and prone to clotting, which probably doesn't sound so bad when you hear the usual term for it "sticky blood", sounds kind of cute doesn't it, sticky blood... but what it means in reality is that my blood doesn't travel properly and develops micro clots which make me miscarry.

This pregnancy was my 14th miscarriage, 14? What a ridiculous number... how crazy am I to keep doing this to myself? Perhaps I am an advertisement for the word...persistance...

We just want to have a child together, you think it would be a simple issue of two people getting together, getting the timing right and bobs your uncle, but sometimes it's just not that simple.

Sometimes I want to scream at the unfairness of this... I had given up, this pregnancy was a bit of a surprise, when we moved house I had given up on the idea already, new house, new start but my husband thought a little differently. He proved there is an App for everything including getting your wife pregnant as he used ipod to track my cycle, sneaky little devil. Now if only he can find an app that will keep me pregnant we could be laughing....which would be hugely preferable to the crying we are doing at the moment.

You probably are wondering how I can find any humour in this situation... and to answer you honestly, I don't know, all I do know is if I cry anymore my eyes will fall out of my head and I might actually lose my mind. If I don't find a way to smile or some form of humour I may not hold on to my sanity and I need that, I really need to keep it together.

The sadness we feel is so deep and so all consuming you do feel like there is no way out of it and if my husband and I weren't so close and such strong support for each other I think we might struggle even more with the sadness than we are.

Strangely whilst I had given up on having a baby, losing this one has somehow reignited my desire to try again. Perhaps the difference in care and the support I have received here in Wellingborough has something to do with that.

I do feel angry, I see the stories in the papers about the children hurt by parents who didn't deserve them and I look at us, good loving people and reponsible parents, my sons are testament to the kind of parents we are and could be again and I rail at the powers on high at how cruel and unfair they are.

All I do know is that I am not a quitter, yes the daily injections and the tablets and the scans are uncomfortable and unpleasant and the miscarriages are devestating, painful both emotionally and physically but the end result, a baby of our own, made from the two of us has got to be worth the price.

Information about Lupus Anticoagulant Positive and Antiphospholipids can be found on Google but a useful starting point is the Hughes Syndrome website. Hughes Syndrome is much more widespread than currently known and most GP's are not even aware of it's existence of how easily it can be tested for and treatment is very simple and can be very effective. If you are a victim of recurrent miscarriage or know someone who is, get tested. http://www.hughes-syndrome.org

Dream Office - Part One

I have been dreaming forever of having a space that I could work in that was wholely my own, that I could put all my doll kits, my fabrics, my sewing machines, somewhere I could spread out a project and work on but not have to pack it up at the end of a session and put it away because the space I was using needed to go back to it's usual purpose. The number of times I have sighed heavily and packed up my paints off the dining table and put them away long before I was ready too, sucking back the urge to whine "but I'm not finished!"

Or having to move my craft table completely out of a room because we've got guests and my craft stuff was "in the way".

So one of our main reasons for moving was to be able to afford to convert a room into a space for me, my own little domain that no one could tell me I was messy or in my sons eyes "embarassing".

This was supposed to happen in the previous house but unfortunately finances meant we couldn't do it.

But this time... it's happening, we've deliberately started the work as soon as we moved in, before the money started to get used for other things...

We asked several companies to quote on the job and finally settled on a company called The Garage Conversion Company, they weren't the cheapest but they weren't the most expensive either, Anglian won the crown for the most ridiculous quote ever at £12,000 and that was INCLUDING their endless discounts and preferential deals!! But we were very impressed by the knowledge of GCC's salesman who talked us through the entire process and was happy to answer all of our questions before giving us a written quotation.

It has been a fascinating process watching a room develop out of a freezing cold garage, the first thing that happened was a flurry of activity on the first day when Danny the builder arrived along with a huge truck filled with building materials all of which was deposited on our drive. This was closely followed by a skip... we wished we had known that was coming... would have saved us 20 odd trips to the local tip! But hey ho, we recycled.

It was strange seeing the garage door just propped up on driveway, poor thing seemed so lonely.

Danny, the builder has been lovely, friendly, funny and very reassuring, telling me every step of the way what is going on and double checking the positions of fixtures to make sure he's getting it right.

In a week I have seen this empty room develop with a new floor, framework and insulation to the walls and the ceiling.

There's still about a weeks work to go until the room is completed and I can feel my excitement building and building. I can't wait to get in there and pop my table in front of my window get my paints out and revel in having my own space.




Roll on the day when the Rubber coverings come off and a beautiful room is revealed.

Whose Life Is It Anyway?

This evening I watched the Dimbleby Lectures and I found myself deeply moved by the speech written by Terry Pratchett and delivered by his friend Tony Robinson. The speech dealt with the subject of Assisted Death and reinforced for me a long held belief that should the time come that I am no longer able to live my life the way I want to because of a disease or an injury then I want to be able to choose when my life should end... after all it is my life, it was given to me to live and it should be my choice when it is no longer palatable to continue being.

I am fortunate, I am relative healthy, the odd ache and pain but at present there is no shadow blocking out the sun for me but some day there might be and I want the right to decide when to turn out the lights. I want to be able to choose when to do it, how to do and who is present when I do it and if I am no longer able to do it myself I want to be able to choose who to help me do it.

Over the past few months a very brave woman by the name of Kay Gilderdale has had to relive what has to be the hardest time of her life. As a loving mother she took care of a daughter she loved very much and had to watch as her child fell apart in front of her. In the end she had to do the only thing that was left to her to help her child, to help her end her pain and suffering and for this she was accused of murder. I found my stomach turning over in disgust that this prosecution was ever brought.

Could the CPS not see that this woman was already going to suffer every day by having to live with this memory, with the knowledge that her child was gone before herself, by the loss of someone so dearly loved than by any punitive sentence that a Court could ever hand out?

Why do those so anti Assisted Death believe that life is worth holding onto at all costs? Why is it devaluing a life to decide that you no longer want to endure endless pain and suffering? Why should a person be forced to take their life earlier than they actually want to just because if you don't do it whilst you still can then no one will help you do it when you are really ready to go? Who are we trying so hard to protect by making helping someone you love desperately to end an unbearable existence a crime? And why should you be forced to leave your home, your family and your friends at a time when you want them around you the most, to travel to another country to end your life with dignity?

Because I don't understand why it is okay to take my incontinent, paralysed desperately ill cat and show him the depth of my love by ending his life but I couldn't expect that same kindness myself from those I know love me with the same depth of feeling.

I hope that Terry Pratchett's words are really heard, many have spoken on this subject but societal fears have always prevented a sensible open discussion on the topic and there needs to be one, death is not a dirty word, it is the inevitable end to life, it is the other side of that coin. We choose how we live and we need to talk about giving each other the right to choose how we die.

Happy New Year

What has the last decade brought into my life and given me to be thankful for? In the last ten years I have become comfortable with who I am, I have realised I will never be a size 6 supermodel and have also discovered that I don't want to be.

I have discovered that being a mother is a hard job but oh so worthwhile. I have learned that I have the patience of a saint and yet at the same time a hair trigger temper. I have learned I am weak and fragile but that even at the hardest times in my life I have a inner core of strength and that although I may bend I am like a Willow and I flex with the pain and straighten up stronger than ever.

I have been to the edge of death and come back with the understanding that life is to be LIVED and not just SURVIVED.

I have met and made some amazing friends and I have walked away from relationships that were not healthy for me and did not enhance my life and understood at last that doing that is okay!

I have met and married the man I want to spend the rest of my life with when I had believed that I was beyond such a depth of feeling and I have seen my sons grow from toddlers to teenagers and relish the glimpses of the men I can see them becoming and I feel proud at the job I have done. My sons will be men in the real sense of the word, good, kind, honourable and loving. No mother can ask for more than that.

To My Husband I say:

My husband, my lover, my friend
When I watch you sleep I give thanks for you each day.
I give thanks for the comfort I feel when I see you caring for our home.
I give thanks for the person you are.
I give thanks for the trust that lives between us
I give thanks for your attention to the details that matter the most

For all that we know and all that we have yet to learn together, for the sadness, for the joys yet to come, I give thanks.

To my friends i say:

If your dreams get broken somehow I'll remind you that you belong,
If you need someplace to hide, you can hold my hand for a while.
If your sky begins to fall, I'll stay with you until you smile.
If someone breaks your heart, together we'll unbreak it.
When you feel sad inside, I'll show you, you're not alone.
If you get lost out there, I'll come and take you home.
When nothing seems to be going right and you need a friend...
I'll stay.

I wish you all a Wonderful New Years Eve and hope your lives are blessed with love and laughter in 2010.

Be Blessed.

Having a Numpty Day

Do you ever get the feeling that you need to be slapped upside the head because your brain just isn't functioning the way it should? Yeah me too... usually for a week a month!

Things started off well as well, after 3 days of the boys guests being with us, I admit it was good fun, specially Charlotte, she had us in stitches most of the time, still it is quite nice for the house to empty out a bit... after all Conor will just disappear back into his bedroom only to appear with demands for food so technically 4 of us here really will feel like 2.

Anyhoo, we are determined to get work underway on my workshop, at the moment it's a very big space just piled high with boxes of stuff, lots and lots of stuff, not even sure of what stuff is in the boxes, all we know is... it belongs to us and came from our last house, we will have to go through it all at some point. But it's not getting touched until the new year. Just realised that's only 2 days away.

So today we had appointments with 3 different conversion companies... first one turned up, he was brilliant, very knowledgeable, we were well impressed. Second one I screwed up just slightly, got my times wrong and we were searching for shirts in TK Max when I get an irate phonecall from the younger progeny informing me that I'm an idiot, gee thanks for the vote of confidence son. So we attempt to race home to see the poor salesman only to get stuck in a 20 minute tailback... leftovers from an earlier ugly accident on the A45.

I felt terribly guilty for making the poor man wait but his quote was way out there pricewise, not gonna happen unless I want the workshop wallpapered in gold leaf! And no... I don't!

Appointment number 3 didn't show up at all... so he won't be getting the job then. So now it's decision decision time... altogether we have had 4 quotes... still waiting for the numbers on 1 of them... but 2 were very similar and then there was the gold leaf quote... so it will be decision decision time... So far my money is with contestant number one from this morning.

I had to share the video below, Daniel, the older of my contributions to the continuation of the species (don't ask which species). Does this impression of a completely mad American Preacher who absolutely hates President Obama, makes me crack up everytime he does it... so in order to entertain his beloved mummy, Danny does the impression a lot. Enjoy peeps.